Our June Bug

  ~~  June 23, 2012  ~~

A date that we will always remember.  A day that we thought we be a lot different.
Today is June 23, 2012 and we are here.  I was wondering how it would feel to get to this day but it's not too bad. 

Eight months ago today we found out we were going to be parents!!  We were having a baby!!  Exciting and crazy and overwhelming.  It was finally our turn!  We felt we were patient and we did it right... got our degrees, got married, bought a house,  got more degrees, had good jobs.  It was finally time to make our family a family of three!  It was October 23, 2011 and within minutes I looked at the calendar and figured out June 23, 2012 would be the day we might welcome our baby.  A sweet little June Bug!  Even if if he or she didn't arrive on that day, we knew the day would symbolize a pretty big milestone. 

We bought baby clothes, made our lists of names, told our families and pinched ourselves.  It's amazing how many dreams can play out in your mind over the course of a few weeks.  And it was all becoming real.  We could not wait to decorate the room, meet our little one and spend our lives enjoying every second of a sweet baby. 

As quickly as we found out the good news, we realized something wasn't right.  An awful trip to the hospital in the middle of the night, a few tests, some agonizing days of waiting, and our worst fear was confirmed.  We lost our June Bug.  We always knew it could happen, but being naive we didn't think it would happen.  The medical explanations didn't make much sense and certainly didn't help to heal two broken hearts.  Denny became my rock and he supported me when I couldn't support myself. 

Despite feeling totally lost, we realized how lucky we were to have so much love and support.  Tremendous, unconditional support.  Our families, friends, neighbors and co-workers wrapped their arms around us and helped us get by.  And we slowly did.  The good thing about life is that the sun will continue to rise every day.  Eventually we noticed this. 
  
Saturdays were normally  the toughest because I always seemed to wake up thinking Today should have been 14 weeks, or Today could have been spent preparing for our baby.  That and a day without a busy schedule often means the most time to think about things.  But we eventually let go of the would haves and should haves.   It took a while, but slowly the journey didn't seem just so dark anymore.

Four months and two days after the first round of good news, we found out that we were very lucky.  We got good news again!!  We were a lot more cautious and much more nervous, but this time was different (as shown by my growing belly). 

Today we are in a good place.  It has been a bit bittersweet but we have taken this day to relax and enjoy each other.  We are really lucky to be able to focus on a sweet baby girl arriving in about three months.  We have each other and we have an added appreciation for the miracle of a new baby.  We will never take this experience for granted, and we will never underestimate how important it is to share our story with friends and family. 

One reason I really wanted to write this post is to thank all the friends and acquaintances came to me and told me their story of loss (I still hate the word miscarriage and avoid writing or saying it as much as possible because it seems so cold and clinical).   I was astounded at how common it is to lose a baby, yet it seems to be something that is not commonly discussed.  I found a lot of strength knowing that it wasn't a road I was walking down alone and I think that if talking about it helps even one person feel better, it is absolutely worth it.  

Ironically our sweet baby girl is due October 2, just 13 days before Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day created to provide support for anyone who been down this road.  It brings me peace to know that perhaps the Beanette will have a an extra little angel watching over her in life, not just on October 15, but everyday. 

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(On a side note, I always thought that our first baby would be a boy, and maybe he was.  About 90% of the people I talked to that lost a baby went on to have a baby girl right after their loss.  It makes me wonder if that is why we are now filling our house with pink.... )